17.1.11

hys•te•ri•a: [hi-ster-ee-uh, -steer-] –noun


i've seen an un-countable number of uncontrollable beings, and on the usual i inform myself that i am not one of them. though, somehow right after that my mind gives birth to thousands of cyclic contradictions. the same desultory outburst of emotion that perpetually sets me so far apart from what is really right in front of me. am i crazy, or is the fear of reality consuming me entirely. often i think that people assume they can see me with their eyes. i wonder though, how i can be characterized by such a few well-chosen words?
irrationality consumes me this time, as their judgments stick to my face like sap sticks to trees. their laughter is deafening, and i lay here weeping. i guess the feeling of artificial supremacy keeps the blood flowing in their veins. picked apart and served on a platter i am tortured with psychoanalysis. the world as my asylum i am namelessly a-n-a-lyzed until i am nothing but the scribbled lines of a diagnosed psycho neurotic disorder. there is no trace left of my existence i become faceless. placed into established categories characterized with insanity. who am i now that i could fit so dearly into your definitions of behavioural corrections? ~once, nearby a bus stop in a violent city, i found a paintbrush sticking out of the soil so i pulled it out because it didn't belong there. i realized i had caused disturbances by failing to abide to the standard ways of living. they want to have control of all my sensory and motor functions so i don't fall off the right path. they took all that was natural to me and remodelled me back to 'normal'. i became robotic as they tried various ways to keep me from following in the footsteps of my abnormal deviant nature. how could i be given a name that isn't my own, how can i fit anywhere else but into my own skin? there were these weird side-effects from their words. due to these instituted assumptions, preconceived expectations and autosuggestions...i was hysterical.

3 comments:

rudeawakenings said...

this is beautiful. brilliant. so elloquent and educated. you're growing, you're becoming better and putting yourself on the paper, and never giving in to the world around you. I love you for your inability to fit into their norms. i love your independance. you are strong and you are beautiful and it's such a blessing to be able to still hear your words. I remember talking to you every day in highschool. we knre eachother inside and out. and i still feel like we do. it's a beautiful thing.
anywho, that was a rant. but i love you and miss you. that is all :)

Heather-Mhairi Adams said...

Petra....What's your email address? What's your phone number? How the hell can I contact you hahaha!

Heather-Mhairi Adams said...

PS this entry is...wow....
This is going to be swimming around in my head for quite a while