r i d e . o n

bird in a tree dreaming

2011-07-06T13:11:00.004-06:00

i woke up several times this morning thinking it was past 2 pm when it was still way before noon. i kept feeling like i had been sleeping forever, i dreamed and i dreamed and i dreamed so much that i feel so exhausted and left with dusty memories of the images that had played through my mind. they linger...sequence of events that i long were real, along with the feeling that i can't explain but i will try. they felt like real experiences as if they taught me as much as if my two feet had actually been walking those unknown realms the of sleeping unconscious. but i swear i wasn't sleeping, so mystical, magical....fuck. i feel...i wish i knew how i feel! i wish words fell from my mouth like a fountains continuous flow without hesitation or thought so i can make you understand. oh lord please don't let me be misunderstood.

mimicking my fears into something that didn't seem so unacceptable. this is what i remember, fragmented time warps. sand in my hand slipping and mixing never to be identified individually. someone somewhere, i don't know if it's my own self...is trying to tell me something because i'm at a place i've ended up endless of times unable to expect. water up to my head they arrive when it's all over, ready to dive into the giant box of secrets i had kept from them. this part i don't really remember but leaves me with a feeling of insatiable thirst...it wasn't so bad... the universe always conspiring my every step as it it already knew where i am going.

in some kind of Gothic architecture massive and mighty the lady of green lived and she raced me through hallways of stoned flooring and mirroring walls into rooms that i could not enter if she reached them first. so i stand shocked to be alone, a single pawn in a palace..helpless. then the scene falls apart, dissipates and i'm carried though the particles of nothingness to another frame of unanticipated time. stone floor. wonderful intricate indoor balcony's with railings of pearly brown marble, there i sat with people that i felt weren't even there, single pawn again even though my other half lay beside me. we listened to this man who could barely speak for his mouth wouldn't open and his jaw would click, but he continued to mutter as though it wasn't happening, making perfect sense to me but the others looked at him with disapproval, fuck you.... APOCALYPSE! he would yell..sounding something like apple crisp. serious as ever no one laughed at his flaw. he looked deep into my eyes, he twitched and pulsed like he was possessed. i sat in wonder staring at the high ceilings of this merciful mansion. oh lord please don't let me be misunderstood. then gone.

he wouldn't stop jumping on me, this maniac. i gave him my mind then was off with my head. passing room after room after room after room.....i left them there to enjoy their pitiful little wastes of my life, this life...i'd miss those pearly browns...room after room after room after room....to a wide open space. ancient wood flooring, windows up to the sky . pale translucent lights shining through onto the green vines and flowers twirling in over and out behind through inside...forcing me to twirl and twirl and twirl out of control on my feet like a ballerina on speed. i was a top spinning because it was my only purpose. the dizziness made me smile, made me high. then a three pairs of hands grabbed me bringing me to a halt. fellow women, beauty of the sun at night of the moon in the day. eyes piercing me, the rays of light reflecting through their eyes into mine. "why were you spinning?" what was it about their eyes... silently i stare... i was going somewhere and forgot. walk on.

This is the best part of the trip,

This is the trip,

The best part, i really like....what'd he say???

irony [ahy-ruh-nee]

2011-06-20T15:33:00.005-06:00

–noun, plural -nies.

1.the use of words to convey a meaning that is the opposite of its literal meaning

2.Literature .

a. a technique of indicating, as through character or plot development, an intention or attitude opposite to thatwhich is actually or ostensibly stated.

b. (especially in contemporary writing) a manner of organizing a work so as to give full expression to contradictory or complementary impulses, attitudes,etc., especially as a means ofindicating detachmentfrom a subject, theme, or emotion.

i realised that i've never really been able to fully understand this word..

Diseased with a mind with constant ripples, constant twitches and riddles

2011-06-08T15:56:00.005-06:00

let me try and write until i can find some sort of clarity in this messy assorted mind of mine.

--after i wrote the above, i got distracted and began doing something else. hardcore fail on my part for sure, but that's the exact thing i'm trying to get at. i haven't been able to bring myself to write or draw anything. the last time i really tried was so long ago that i can't even remember, but definitely not in the past six months.

i've turned to stone

again.

i feel like i've figured it out so many times. that maybe my creativity is being robbed by my actions. it always comes to that conclusion, but then after a while i become unconvinced yet again.

portfolioooo???

2011-05-27T17:45:00.001-06:00

Suggested themes for self-initiated work could include:

Time and space

Map your week

History turned backwards

Social/political issues

Burning questions

Energy drains

Fragmented memories

Explorations of identity, gender issues, stereotypes

Social myths

Artist as documenter, witness, anthropologist or collector

Clothing as armor

Clothing and memory

Observations of the domestic realm

Transforming the familiar, the banal, into the sacred or absurd

Recurring dreams

Passages through the everyday

i like definitions

2011-05-21T13:40:00.000-06:00

un·eas·y [uhn-ee-zee]–adjective

1. not easy in body or mind; uncomfortable; restless; disturbed; perturbed.
2. not easy in manner; constrained; awkward.
3. not conducive to ease; causing bodily discomfort.

Hallucination: a sensory experience of something that does not exist outside the mind, caused by various physical and mental disorders, or by reaction to certain toxic substances, and usually manifested as visual or auditory images.

un·feigned [uhn-feynd] adj.

-not feigned; sincere; genuine

-not pretended; sincerely felt or expressed; "genuine emotion"

essence—Synonyms 1. substance, spirit, lifeblood, heart, principle, soul, core.

hysteriAaa

2011-01-17T22:56:00.003-07:00

hys•te•ri•a: [hi-ster-ee-uh, -steer-] –noun

i've seen an un-countable number of uncontrollable beings, and on the usual i inform myself that i am not one of them. though, somehow right after that my mind gives birth to thousands of cyclic contradictions. the same desultory outburst of emotion that perpetually sets me so far apart from what is really right in front of me. am i crazy, or is the fear of reality consuming me entirely. often i think that people assume they can see me with their eyes. i wonder though, how i can be characterized by such a few well-chosen words?

irrationality consumes me this time, as their judgments stick to my face like sap sticks to trees. their laughter is deafening, and i lay here weeping. i guess the feeling of artificial supremacy keeps the blood flowing in their veins. picked apart and served on a platter i am tortured with psychoanalysis. the world as my asylum i am namelessly a-n-a-lyzed until i am nothing but the scribbled lines of a diagnosed psycho neurotic disorder. there is no trace left of my existence i become faceless. placed into established categories characterized with insanity. who am i now that i could fit so dearly into your definitions of behavioural corrections?

once, nearby a bus stop in a violent city, i found a paintbrush sticking out of the soil so i pulled it out because it didn't belong there. i realized i had caused disturbances by failing to abide to the standard ways of living. they want to have control of all my sensory and motor functions so i don't fall off the right path. they took all that was natural to me and remodelled me back to 'normal'. i became robotic as they tried various ways to keep me from following in the footsteps of my abnormal deviant nature. how could i be given a name that isn't my own, how can i fit anywhere else but into my own skin?

there were these weird side-effects from their words. due to these instituted assumptions, preconceived expectations and autosuggestions...i was hysterical.

i give up on you because i don't want to give up on you

2010-12-06T22:59:00.012-07:00

Keep fucking going, the world isn’t going to end because you want it to. You think you’re pathetic? I’ll tell you why. It’s because you act like everything you go through is going to kill you. It’s not. WAKE UP. Don’t tell me you didn’t know that... You’re still breathing aren’t you? Well...aren’t you! Be fucking thankful for everything you go through. Shitty as balls... Or fucking rockin’. Again...just in case you didn’t hear me: YOU’RE NOT PATHETIC YOUR JUST ACTING LIKE A PUSSY RIGHT NOW. Life sucks for everyone, and this world is disgusting. It’s not the end of the world, no matter how much you want it to be. So what are you going to do? Whine forever and have everyone you love push you away... Kill yourself... Suck it up and fuck it... Or love every minute of its chaos. Chyeaaa...i know what I’m going to do. RIIIIIDEEEEEEE ON i'm definitely not wasting anymore time moping about how much this world fuckin confuses me and how i don't know anything. because frankly i probably never will no one ever does. so leave your mark and get on to the next life.

ardent

2010-12-02T01:40:00.009-07:00

Words are never seen.

Never even heard

We can’t touch them,

Even taste or smell them

Yet..we show how we feel with them.

its a full moon

2010-11-21T21:31:00.005-07:00

in the name of the Father, and the Son, and the Holy Spirit, amen. i'm sitting in the living room of my humble abode. one that i've seen many different spirits come in and out of, constantly passing through, passing by. in front of me is a mother to be writing... holding a young life inside that has yet to see this place with her two little eyes. the tunnels of life, that absorb it all, and lead to its little soul. man or woman. boy or girl. who knows the things we do not know. its amazing how she feels things so deeply, it seems that it's beyond humans...to feel the way she feels. to truly feel i mean, for the soul of her to be consumed and affected by the world and the people around us. to simply feel without words of tongue, yet with the language of our hearts. looking through our eyes but not with them. they are just tunnels...perceiving things with something beyond our comprehension. the same very thing that gives us the breath of life. beside her to the right there is a man, bearded blonde holding an instrument in his hands. two instruments. one that if you suck on it a piece of charcoal burns the substance and smoke then pours out of his mouth. and the other instruments lets out this beautiful sound, that the eyes could never see, only our ears can intake. i'm being so blunt, but when you really think about the things and the actions we do, i realize they are so incomprehensible yet we do them without even noticing. i guess i like to notice these simple things more than anything that i can see.noticing only the things my senses can feel and not understand and marvel at the wonders that lives deep within them....deep. deep.. deep.. to my right is my other half, or at least im led to believe this thought. deep in my heart i know it's true. the truth. something again you never can truly understand but you feel it. feeling. he too is using both instruments now. little do they know that i'm typing this as they play for me, and as all my sense intake what's happening. but. there i a camera, a different type of eye, that will later, when seen by others, make them feel this exact same thing that i am feeling. or maybe they will think or feel differently. who knows...it all depends on the person right. the way we perceive from one to another is understood or taken from wide wide ranges. i have so little words to describe things. my mind doesn't know that many of this language. the spoken language but i know it feels in thousands and thousands of languages. the universal kind. where if you pause and look at the simplicity of it you notice that yes. everyone see two guitars, some smoke, two men, and a pregnant woman in a living room. chillin' i guess you could say. it takes so many words to describe but by just looking you can tell in an instant what's happening. however, inside each one of them is a whole whirlwind of emotion, of feelings that the eye cannot see, it only be used and through them we can try to understand how they all feel. i see serenity, true peace, and comfort in the moment. that we cant find in any other moment than when we are doing the things we love.

im feeling such a wide range of things right now, things they probably could never read through me.

a letter to thee,

2010-11-03T19:44:00.003-06:00

fellow rebel,
humanity is degrading
but this is treatable

if it takes my life, i will die to see your spirit dance

to watch the love in your eyes when you look down on my devious nature and realize the only thing that separates us from animals

is choice

turquoise skin & carnelian

2010-09-19T16:48:00.011-06:00

masses of millions cover each slice of ground, dirt and particles beneath our soles are found. with no space to move you maneuver through the cracks. wedging your single being between every single body, you can't fly..it's not like that. it starts to rain, nothing is the same. four young men climb into your house and break, then succeed, and now....apologize to me. i see family, i see friends they stand very close, they're people who'd gone away, few i'd never seen before. is there some kind of war going on, why are we all together. go climb up balconies to hide my sins, running miles from raging whirlwinds. lift me atop pick-up trucks to see the crowd, why are they yelling, how come there voices are so loud. from bikes of people we run these pathways, holding beneath our armpits giants made of glass, running through fences with locked metal gates, drowning below the grass.

why are you looking at me, are you noticing my transparency. singing voices still ring in my ears, only without a throat. there's something/someone coming this way and stepping on every note. i want to understand the clouds over this land, i want to understand why the little girl wanted to hold my hand.

i can't remember...is that alright.
i had to remember....it was a fight.

pack it all up. i'm leaving you behind.

"don't worry, it was only a dream"

2010-07-10T23:55:00.003-06:00

there are no words that are my own
because in my own body I've not grown
there were thoughts I was convinced I'd known
but there's no feelings that I have shown
why couldn't i get to you

salamander

2010-07-08T13:03:00.009-06:00

why am i standing atop
skyscrapers with wolves
in capes standing majestically
in the mysterious moonlight.
while city lights shine over
tiny vehicles that hold people i
love. why did i run so viciously
to the vivid waters screaming
at all that i love.
betray yourself

p s y c h o p a [s] h ' s

2010-06-29T14:17:00.011-06:00

chaperoned by logic we venture through inhospitable zone
the blank surface of the night veils whats burrows 'neath us
our feet refuse to walk if one foot won't step in front of the other
purely i am below your shadows in deviant nature

walk with me

they hold shields around their minds with everything outside
locking all the doors in the long narrow hallways of your soul
i see it as this lays on the surface of your skin
gone blind from loss of humility these robots will win

(tell me what you think of the drawing)

2010-06-18T14:02:00.004-06:00

empty yourself before you can feel

The lucid feel

2010-06-18T13:53:00.005-06:00

yet we know this is still not real
we dream of painting
then we paint our dreams

but it's still not as it seems
I'm still afraid of you, the you i don't know
the only thing i don't know
the unknown

double take i see flashes
of ghosts projected on the wooden walls
piling memories in the back of my head.
I'm a dark cellar room

Go.

2010-06-18T13:48:00.003-06:00

The younger i age with youth
The older i shrink with gray hairs

Coinciding events veer me towards them
As they know within themselves their purpose

To live their useless simplicity, fully
Knowing the no end but only eternity
and it's shadows

Veering now into the darkness
Thy words are lamps unto my feet

Feet slipping through rugged cracks in stone
our spirits float here, and they're all terribly alone
they are not our own

my soul has flown

2010-06-18T13:31:00.006-06:00

Little chalet holding dancing fools shooting pistols in the ceiling
I'm twisting and turning in the corners of the room
Climbing forbidden stairs and going to get out of here
Circling our souls we're singing our songs, im outside
Going to take a trip, on a truck across the dirty desert road
Children are playing and watching sternly as i pass by
Big wheels, great pleasure...i'm runnin' over by speed
This wagon won't carry your jelousy little kitten
I don't feel like im going out of control but im swerving like a motherfucker
My mother is always looking for me. I am okay
Same pistol in a room, young children stay back i love you
Holes after hole in the wall, their going to kill me
Playing a game over and over again when suddenly im in your arms
Everything stops as i try to hold onto then forever.
Broken by the night animals waking from slumber
The forest evaporates and i never find this, you again

2010-06-18T00:19:00.003-06:00

You know that feeling? The one you get when you're running and suddenly falling and don't know where you're gonna hit the ground.

It's the same feeling you get after you climb up and out of a pit that contained you're own death.

de-illusion

2010-06-14T15:54:00.004-06:00

im afraid that you don't want me anymore
that you've found the world in others arms
peace no longer comes from my tainted eyes
the ones you ran to long ago, please dont return

they're blind and bleak
and will probably tell you lies

fools

2010-06-09T17:50:00.000-06:00

constantly seeking comprehensive order
working deep hours into the night
falling off roof tops to sailing lonely pits
into a life where sage solemn sleuths walk in disguise
from lost corners through moonlight they rise
i'm gonna hurt you

constantly in search for some sort of system
to derange our minds and solidify our hearts
effortlessly unhinging our feet from the soles
creating inertia among lost infants souls
again the deep holes
there's a stillness on their cold sweat defense
this isn't making any sense

so tell me ...who are you calling a fool

doldrums

2010-06-09T17:47:00.010-06:00

i feel you creeping me most times through everything i can't see into

unclear
your eyes are dark pits of gleaming red in the night i see
two
looking for the blood my soul bled they fed off my
fear

insecurity grows like sins off my tongue flashbacks of wrong
brutality
forming inside your imagination carving caves you ask
how this is happening

ghosts gathering at my seems
floating delirium in my daydreams
doldrums drifting through deadly streams
no understanding what all this means

there's nothing to solve its confusion that words quarry
and with time you will choke
on the mystery of the made up theory
they all create a different joke

two thirds

2010-06-09T17:31:00.004-06:00

of my time
of my mind
of my soul
of all that we can't describe

of a feeling
of a meaning
of a mystery
of all the real dreams

listen to silence
things aren't ever as it seems

confession

2010-05-29T15:04:00.004-06:00

i'll start and i won't stop. i've been hiding, and packing a shit ton of things into my unconscious and it becoming very apparent lately. all my dreams are correlating really well with this reality as well. I'm carrying way too much than i need to and i'm almost breaking down. carrying shit from the past...memories..ghosts. sitting in corners of my room while i sleep at night. not knowing where to escape too. i want to set them free, these ghosts that haunts me. these demons i carry with me everywhere i go are simply in my mind and affecting the body and my soul. weighing me down. my unconscious. my spirit is what guides me and the power of this universe whether it be God or a worm.

Our minds have been around for ancients of years. if that makes any sense...but we've constantly been searching for the ways our mind and our imagination functions. i think it'll be forever incomprehensible. fuck like think about , wait don't think. that's what i'm trying to get to. We overthink absolutely fucking everything to the point where we can't even fathom where we began. My head is so fucking full i don't want to fill it anymore i want to fuckin live it. right here right now. I have all this baggage of shit around me. piling everywhere material and in thought. im right here right now, so what can i do with this exact minute??

hmmm..im kinda bored feeling alittle overwhelmed and useless. what should i do... what am i hiding from why do i feel like i can't express myself fully. Why does insecurity control me. what do i have to lose anymore? i've been torn, so have you, i have lost, so have you, i am human and so are fucking you. so who the fuck is judging and why?!?!

is it right to calculate the worth of a human being by their intellect? the amount of money they have? how friends they have?

let go of this hide and seek within myself. Patience. baby. patience. I'm insecure and always have been. since i was a child i hated lots of aspects of myself and wished to be someone different. but why! where does this take us and what is the purpose? im not going to be anyone else so why can't i stop fucking trying to right now!? maybe then i can run into my own heart and have a fucking conversation with it.

I got lucky. and i need to remember. face it: it's all a joke :)

he's so damn adorable

2010-05-23T23:02:00.002-06:00

Time passes by... the sun sets and the night follows. I revisited his house again only this time it wasn't filled with the same old furniture i've grown up with. The bird i made my grandma wasn't sitting in the tree anymore and the couches that my grandpa sat on staring out the window for endless hours were gone. It was empty and left me feeling the exact same way. Now he's off to a home, the special kind for people his age. It amazing what time brings, change. We just have to accept it and keep on keepin' on. I hope he has a smile on his face...it's the cutest smile in the world.

the eagle children

2010-01-26T02:39:00.001-07:00

"I wish you the best at your new school and home hope you give it your all."

my soul is an island...

through transcendence

2009-12-24T13:33:00.004-07:00

"without people
we are nothing"

Doesn't he look like a racoon

2009-12-16T22:47:00.010-07:00

My dad brought home the Christmas decorations today
He surprised my mom, then he kissed her

I wonder if this will be a different Christmas
I really, really shouldn't get my hopes up, but it's all i have left
It's the little things in life that make me happy

"no matter how evil they are, no matter the things they've done,
i still love them...because they're just like me and you"

You wouldn't believe the power...

of respect,
of acceptance,
of communication,
of unity.

intuitive deception

2009-12-06T20:54:00.009-07:00

Feel it
from far away
Blindly
afraid no more
For no reason
but none

Been lost
it'll never come
Just get it
the way out
Too late
turn around

insurgent

2009-11-23T23:16:00.002-07:00

fought the law and the law won
police on my back want to shoot me

i need to keep quiet
or find a way the set myself free.

It's voodoo

2009-11-18T22:20:00.005-07:00

how pitiful i must be

to let myself fall behind
in only one instance
those thousands of steps i took
to leave the darkness.

re-absorbed.

walking.

i ran.

too fast?

Fingers crossed, that never happens again.

No one holds a virgin mind

2009-11-10T14:14:00.004-07:00

We live each day thinking that another day will follow, so we toss the possibility of doing it all now. We all are given the power to make a change.

I finally get to leave. The most amazing part is the fact that i'm ready. A couple months ago everything was a mess. As it was at the time i was ready to give up on my life and the lives of others. So useless. I had so many uneasy relationships with lot's of people. Lack of direction and purpose and filled with so many questions that never could be answered. I questioned existence and the world, humanity and love, family and friends...the meaning of life and why it's so twisted now. As it sets the time to get up and go, everything just fell into place. It all just blew away and flowed like the wind, and i can see it quite clearly if i look back at it. I know something ended. It's a kind of closure i finally received from above within my heart. I hold onto this little peace living within and i hope i never lose grip. I can't believe i finally get to leave.

Leaving, if you know me, has always been something i wanted to do. I never knew where i wanted to go, i just knew i had too. When i fly to that island, it'll be my first time on an airplane. It'll be the highest i've ever been. Soaring through the sky. I'm smiling on the inside. I don't know the purpose or reason of the things i do, but there will be in time. I wish to meet everyone i could meet and learn all i can learn. Most importantly share all my love. I never want go back to being dead ever again. I will always remember the feeling, but i wish to never feel them again, they're set in stone of my past. I've grown, my mind is ready step a little further.

I'm not meant to live like we're learning to in these more modern of days. I want to learn of the world and our lives, the only thing we've ever all had in common. I will look into every cave, and swim in every ocean and breather everyone's air. All i'll take with me is this flame in my heart, and as long as it burns, i will remember what it's like to be real.

Overseas. Over see's.

2009-11-09T18:55:00.003-07:00

I'm going to try and put this the best way that i can. In a way that is constant so that you could understand. The words I want to say are merely my view, only a view that you could consider too. I may have been lost, and afraid too, but now i've seen some light...so i've got a clue. A clue to end all suffering and all strife..put it all to end and get on with your life.

We've ll seen where we've gotten in this world, people committing murder and men touching little girls. Stealing, misleading, power and fear. Controlling, brainwashing and augmenting every year. Evil is the only dialogue in this language we know. Some lives are even stolen by those whose love does show. How will we grow. Our intestines exposed, and we see the roots of decaying civilization. Mindlessness and the loss of oneself... our endless creation.

Instill in the unknown and limitless proximity of each word. Show us the beauty in the smokey sky, and a bleeding bird. We create machines and see where they'll take us, because the confrontation of reality scares us into thinking it'll shake us. Is destruction and murder the only tools we have left? Raping, cheating, misleading then theft? Our names. Our categories. Our veins. Our territories. Gone.

The separation of our oneness and our unity. What happened to love and care of a community. There's no security only mutiny. When will you see. What's in front of me. This won't further me. Disgust is all i see. Feeding doubt from every seed. Inventions of hilarity. Made synthetically. Never naturally. With your surgery. Let's burn every tree. Drain every sea. Maybe then we'll see. Where we threw out beauty. Where is the beauty? In promiscuity. in war and brutality. in broken homes and fatality. Speak to me, comprehensively. I'll ask you many questions, don't you want simplicity? To be able to walk and be free? Charity? Happiness, wellness, health and prosperity?

This may be, my Philosophy, but please tell me, most importantly...where's humanity!?! (sorry)

I turn i see profanity kids growing without a family. People on the streets freezing to death in january. Some thinking we'll live eternally. you're drowning neck deep in insanity. Remember where we came do you see clarity? we don't learn shit. i see madness and obscurity. we working for everything and we get nothing. are we really working for everything. Lack of integrity. when will we say finally. we're going to change history? people challenging sobriety living with addictions quietly. Fuck this world. were going no where here.

Appreciate. Accept. Nourish. Don't fall and further yourself into asylusm. We don't need all the categories that not every one can even keep track of. who needs markets we need familys. who to struggle we have protection! why are we making all these useless system so filled with fraud. We need to unite

Politicians and separation isn't what he brought. We fogged it, we morphed it. We did all that we can, will we ever know the truth of what is now lost in that land. The truth once existed...so long ago. the first people wrote it down we just no longer know. Because with time, things decay. so we make it up and go a long another way. Then ;like the telephone game, it keeps changing, until it comes out in the end with a completely different meaning. So now what to believe, weve been here for so long. We've existed for ages centuries and more, we must have gotten something wrong.

Truth. what is the truth. it's coming. I want to rewrite this i feel like i have so much more to say. i could rewrite it a thousand time. I'm such a tiny voice though. but my soul and spirit are raging with fire. Fire and eagerness to fucking put a dent in the world. i don't know how though. i've never been really intelligent but i see that this is a problem...a fucking terror in this world. a menace to peace and love...the only things we ever needed to survive. its a threat to everything we've ever loved.. it's so much bigger than what we are aware of. Remember how the blacks fought slavery got their freedom? Remember how woman got their rights. Remember how were still all fucked in the head. This is it. Fall. Get up. Die. Survive. we're falling but were not even aware that we gonna hit the ground. could you really be that delusional. maybe i'm crazy. i usually think i am. this is what i gotta do, it's all i can try for. its all i want. my life...is not meant to be a doctor. its not meant to put up with the way things are even though everyone hgates it and is miserable. what happened to change, revolution? what happened to wanting better?

Not facilitation...creations of machines, programs, charities. Hit it from the root. Look behind you, back in the years. Tortured bodies, souls, lives. We're all still here. Do we have to be left in burnt ruins to see that something needs to happen. a voice needs to speak. I just read this again. and i think its not utopia we all really want. we think we want it because having more is better. having the world in our palms is the only goal. i'm sick of saying i don't know. i will, i'll learn. fight. scream at the top of my lungs until every politician anyone in control can hear me. i just can't watch anymore while families who need help have absolutely nothing to fall on. not even love of a neighbor. we seek government aid but still nothing is good enough.

613-992-3066

To Christian: you're amazing man

2009-11-09T18:00:00.005-07:00

Wow do we every know how to communicate and talk now a days. People talk about other people just because they have nothing left to talk about. A couple stays together on love but as they grow old...they have shit all to talk about and a shit ton to argue about.

My family is like that. all we do is argue. its always tense. everyone wants to be together but really we can't stand each other anymore. i know if i leave i'll miss them individually. but i wont miss walking into these dark doors. tainted by evil of this world. we don't belong here but we're not leaving anytime soon. the money. the corrupt fucking. fuck i can't watch this fucking disgust anymore. this fucking country, the government the world. we're all so fuckin conflicted with everything we created hoping it would make our lives easier. look at the hole filled with shit you're falling into.

this society drives me into this dark room of thought. everyone's out to get the bigger piece of pie. why is suffering existent, i can't understand. fuck fuck fuck. fuck. i wish i could express this the right way. i don't know how to express myself. so it grows like mountains weighing down my soul. we're all out to survive instead of live. i get to leave really soon.

boiling grass twirl gypsy green

2009-11-05T01:45:00.009-07:00

so it ended i didn't even notice. the lights turned out and i got to leave. i walked and walked for a while until the sky wore it's black coat. little sparkles filled my eyes. some red, green...then a little white. strangers in the night. it never quite knew the way things were to work. the natural vibrations hindered by back doors to every opening. i guess someday you'll walk into a wall . it will tell you what you did. but you fell. belief escapes you and you drown in doubt. i want to tell you my dreams . ill get further if i don't let you know. unless you ask me. but i guess that' s a different story. sometimes i want to read your minds. it's impossible to read someone's mind. but you can feel what they feel. in their eyes you see their soul. mines old. my eyes are old. i can't see properly. i really like it that way. it's fuzzier and real by feeling. j'ai perdu mon esprit, la balance de mon corps. sometimes i walk and wish i'll see a smile . you need to make it happen. things happens because we let them? what happened to day i dont know. but i lived.

i remember the flickering reflections on river waters. streetlights shut off when you walk beneath them. green lights stay green in the water. i took a piece out of my hip and marked it on the wall. something happened , actually it was nothing. i thought a new thing that's it. an idea. people have been speaking to me. speaking to me, really. me. they think there's more to it then what they see. they're right in so many ways but not about me. woman women, open my eyes. women woman, silence my cries. man oh man, put a finger on my ring. i dropped it down the drain. i don't think it's coming back again. arcane relations refreshed, power trip, icy cold 40 meter deep. deep. deep . . . .it's funny how in misery...there's beauty.

take my hand, or leave it be cold. things, say things, that have never been told.

optical promises

2009-11-05T01:25:00.017-07:00

I don't want to tell you about it

Because it's going to be okay
This one is mine
I'll live with it each day
going
i'm here
are you gone?

Current occupation : trying

2009-10-25T22:34:00.003-06:00

Don't add years to your life, add life to your years.

we'll meet again

2009-10-10T23:54:00.009-06:00

his hands intrigue me , as do his eyes . his heart welcomes me , his voice somehow calling my name . i fall short from understanding and wonders fill my heart . "will i ever" how can' t i ever . this is running short , we' re running on empty now . the gas is running out . what if i stop moving and get stuck here . . . forever . i still can' t let you in .

i hope that on my way out , i don' t lose my breath .v because i can breathe underwater and this ocean is getting too shallow .

The barcode was invented today

2009-10-07T19:48:00.001-06:00

im ready to take your orders

Become the Dragon

2009-10-06T15:43:00.003-06:00

What is your problem. What is my problem?

I'll tell you what my problem is, and what it has always been. Is, was, will always be. My father's life reeks of a mess that will never change. He has convinced me that people never change. For a while i was living my life and it wasn't going anywhere, simply because i thought it was always supposed to be this way. It was supposed to be miserable and lifeless. I was supposed to be living each day waiting for it to be over and done with, only to get on with the shit the next day brings. I don't know what has become of our lives, my family. I'm older now and i've gone through my own share of problems, only to realize that it all comes down to the same thing. My ever move is filter through your impermeable eyes.

I've decided i hate you. The you that you don't see and i hate what you have done to my mom, me and my siblings. It's not fair for you to control us. Our lives are our own to live and i'm sick of standing here, walking down the stairs each morning and giving you a lifeless kiss that used to mean so much. Now it's nothing, there's a wall and it's always been there only now i realized i'm keeping it up. My words can't do anything anymore. Every English essay i wrote was about you and your effect on who i am and my life. No matter the topic i found a way that you'd fit right into it. I have nothing to say anymore except

"Get out of my life, get out of our lives. We don't want you anymore. Not if it means you robbing us of our smiles and our peace of mind. Not if it means me watching my mother suffer as you steal away from her everything she loves most...her mother, her father, her sisters, her family, her own fucking life. It disgusts me that you can take that away from her and she has no control. No control because if she were to do anything it would only mean misery for us. She constantly littles herself begging for nothing but our happiness, forgetting her own. You have no right to do that to her, let alone any human being. What escapes my comprehension is that if you fucking love your family and your wife and your kids, why don't you let us be happy with the littlest things we can get. Why aren't I allowed to invite my own cousins and grandparents into my house. Is this how humans are supposed to be. Are we supposed to be deprived from the love and welcoming hearts of people that love us. They never ever meant us hard. I can't understand."

I wonder if I ever will. My pitiful cries for help to my friends come up dry. They all have their own problems. I've always known this...and that's why i hid my problems. Like my mother always putting myself behind everyone else just to know that they will be okay. That i made a difference in their lives and maybe see them smile forever. I don't know if people realize the meaning of my family to me. Everything I do ties back to it. My mother is my only friend, my best friend. I see now that that's the reason why i've never had a best friend, because she knows what i need...she knows what makes my heart smile. And for me to live knowing that i will never see her smile in true happiness is unfair.

My dad is home, i'm going to have to look into his lifeless eyes again. As he sits on the couch and watched tv sometimes laughing at the shows. Eating his sunflower seeds, and getting up every now and then to do all those humans things we do to survive...drink water, maybe blow his nose. Every now and then he'll get up and leave and when we ask where he's going he replies with a simple answer "For a drive." Yes a fucking drive, a drive up to heaven and down to hell when you walk back through our front door. Don't come back i don't want to see you like this. And it's out of my undying crippled everlasting powerful love for you that i never want to see you again. Not if it means a little death in my heart and life each time your presence fills the room.

This house is unstable you can't walk without falling deep into a hole of misery and dried out hope of happiness. I'm sick of it, sick of watching my every step, sick of making one tiny mistake as if a criminal just commited murder. I'm sick of watching those I love get sucked dry of hopes of what life should be. You're kids are here. We watch you, we see you. Do you see us watching you? Because i assure you, you will.

"Something big is going to happen to you..." is what the woman from the Tibetan shop told me.

Fall in to a coma

2009-10-04T21:13:00.005-06:00

I never want to wake up if it means another day of this endless battle. We're all fighting for you, but you just step on us. Ignore us and our love for you, you're so blind to it. Our attempts our efforts, fail before you even give them a chance. I can't watch you keep crushing our dreams, our smiles. Stealing every breath we shed in happiness because you aren't. You're a robber, so used. Why won't you ever be okay. Why can't i stop loving you if all you ever do is make us feel hurt. You have the most compassionate heart of anyone i've ever known... but if you loved us, wouldn't you be there to make us smile too. The stare at the snow on the groud through the window, because being in this war, it brings me comfort. We're soldiers fighting for someone who won't even help himself.

save lives

2009-10-01T22:38:00.004-06:00

i bought a ring today

Escape with me

2009-09-25T23:21:00.003-06:00

To dream;

this motionless trip we take each time the sky wears it's black coat. Or each time we fall from exhaust or tumble into smooth daze in the warm sun.

Open eyes, closed, Sleep walking, sleep talking...No control. We go somewhere else, you can't deny it. I'm haunted by the feeling and the mystery of what they seem between what they really mean.

People are popping up, does my head just like to remind me of them? I dreamed of terror, i dreamed of love, i dreamed of rape, and the stars above. I dreamed you found me, i dreamed there was hope, i dreamed of time, all enveloped in my mind. He chased me, he grabbed me, he touched me, he stabbed me.

Are you trying to help me, or are you trying to steal the breath from my lungs. Turn my heart into dust and step on the remains. You took what you needed, you got what you wanted. Now good-bye. The memory of you will dissipate into the night sky.

Some bring majesty among little crowds, while other bring tyranny as they scream out loud. I wake up each morning and piece it back together. Truth? I can't understand, nor do i know.

If meaning lays behind our imaginations. Or if it's just going for a magically devastating ride that we will only awake from and forget.

What is this evil that hides behind my tongue and penetrates my mind until there's nothing left inside

Rabbit Tongues

2009-09-19T13:39:00.000-06:00

"Where are you going?" He asked,
she had her head tilted to the sky
and she stared far and beyond the
stars she could see.

"No where, but everywhere..."

"How is that even possible?"

Follow me..

I want it to leave

2009-09-19T13:17:00.009-06:00

They say if you think about something enough it will come true. How can such power of the mind exist. I've convinced myself my sanity escaped me. Maybe it really hasn't...I don't know how to differentiate reality from truth from lies from sacrifice. Agony pulses and slides through my veins, not varicose. Fluidly jumping and i am named a human. What a punishment it is to be a part of such a blinded species. I am blind. Who can see? Light, Life, Love? Who hasn't lost their vision yet. I have. When your happy you step back and everything becomes well. Then you look at the path you've walked and you wonder how you made it this far. There was only one set of footprints and you were all alone. You're failure to believe in something lost you because you couldn't make sense of what they said was right. You forgot, it all dissipated in the memory you thought you once had and now it's gone. You shone the wrong light on this film, it's destroyed. It's trying to come together again. With luck, chance, hope...maybe it will. I'm a plague upon myself. How do you escape yourself if you won't leave yourself alone. Where do people go to set this aside, and why can't i get back there. I dipped my feet in these waters and it stained my soles. I know where i've been, my feet have the scars to show. No one came with me, my walls and forts were made of steal, not to be torn down. Unjust was my nature to all those that wanted to join me. Why? How could i not let them. So many years of fighting for survival, alone...i lost the reason why i was even doing it anymore. What was the point? I would ask myself constantly and constantly. Demon's eyes were placed in my sockets, red with evil. Glaring. Wings trying to push out my back, tearing through my skin...pure and disgusting sin. Sin, sin, sin, sin, you are a sinner. Punishment. I am evil. You lead me to believe i was evil. I am not evil. This is who i am, and you made me forget. You never let me be, you never let my soul flower. Instead you put up boundaries and clouded my vision of what a true life is. I don't know anymore and i try so hard to figure it out. Always trying to figure it out, how do you get no where if you trying to find somewhere. Stop talking to me. I can't stop writing. I want to keep going and let my heart bleed. Pain is the only real thing i can feel. So raw, it's so easy to understand pain. It hurts. We all feel it, so human. Hiding and pushing back everything that was ever real to me, it wasn't real to you. I feel like you encaged me and i was a monster inside. I didn't believe what i was supposed to believe and i still don't. I'm heading in my own direction, and i'm on my own. Just the way i like it. Who knows if i will let anyone in. Who knows if fucked up i dont know what the fuck thing in my head is. I want it to leave, i want it to leave. I want it to leave. I want it to leave. I want it to leave.I want it to leave. I want it to leave. I want it to leave. I want it to leave. It won't...why won't it. I can't remember if i ever was anything, i put being a child on hold. I never was one, and fuck that's the time to live. That's when you know...i can't see it. I forget it all. Where my head was i don't know. I seem to remember when i was born until i was 9 but after that something happened. And the meaning of life...died with you. I haven't wrote something so dark in so long. I want to write forever. I want to not make any sense, i want you to look at me, i want you to be able to find me ever turn you make. I will destroy all your hearts, i'm just like all of you. But like i said if you think something enough you will become it. I can't escape the knowledge that i am a monster. I'm horrified. So scared of myself and whatever makes me. Matter? Particles? Atoms? Who cares... No man can save me, for the love of another is never what will cure me. I refuse to be like the rest and try them all. I could never give myself to anyone, i am my own. You can't own me, i am not yours. This rose has the most deadly thorns, i will tear your heart out and eat and drink whatever keeps you alive. Extinguish the fires in your eyes, smoke will fog your ways. Ultimately alone, the way i sit best. Comfort is deadly. i want to lay in soil until i fall beneath it and grow as a tree. Decompose my spirits because it's been stolen. Ashes to ashes, dust to dust. Rust, why am i so old. I want my youth back, why did you evil beings have to steal it from me, and now you call me evil! I don't know right from wrong, in from out, blue skies from green oceans. The waters reflect the top of the horizon that it just mirrors. Only in retrospect now. Only in a certain darkness. Pull the string. Paranoia, jungles. Vines and seeds. If every corner here...is filled with something, how am i so empty inside. If i am heading no where, why do i feel so lost. If i know what makes me smile, why do i believe i'll never be happy? You ruined me let go of me, all of you. You can't see inside me, not even myself. Something lives in there though, i'm sorry i hate it too. It sounds ridiculous and no one can believe it, i don't know if i need its presense or if it will be the last of me. Leave, leave, leave. I need to leave. Leave the only one i've ever known. My soul will fly, whatever is left of it, and i'll leave my body to decay. Leave..leave..leave. Trust me, this death is a beautiful thing. It's the death of my mind.

Lunar Eclipse

2009-09-13T19:59:00.003-06:00

When the moon disappeared,
you told me not to worry
"we'll find it..."

and we did.

never before...

2009-09-11T18:44:00.006-06:00

My soul and my mind are working together
I never knew but this is something better.
Never forgetting my heart,
Every piece of me is working it's part.
I am one, I am me.
My mind and my memory... they've always been so separate.
My mind and my soul...This is what i always wanted.
You make me feel high like no other drug can do
This is it, so much... is so new
My body is moving
and my eyes see where i want to go
I'm headed that way

Go with it. Go with the flow.
I'll be okay, it's something i just know.

trees on the moon

2009-09-05T01:29:00.000-06:00

This Is Me Overreacting,
This Is Me Smashing Myself Against The Rocks,
This Is My Imagination,
This Is My Self-Induced Frustration,
This Is How My Thought Process Works.

But Oh, I Thought You Already Knew That.

Can you tell me what spins the world round,
Can you tell me what keeps us on the ground
Can you lift me up past the stars
Take me to a place to the lands from afar

Can you reach out and grab the moon
Venture off with me, i wanna go soon

Now.
But how.

2009-09-04T13:53:00.004-06:00

Usually i can forgive
but i can never seem to forget
it lingers and comes up every now and then
but isn't that how you learn?
isn't that how you acquire wisdom and visions of the world

i hate people, but i love them
they're so amazing to watch
each one so different, so unique
and you wonder how they grew up
what makes them happy
what are they feeling?

Join the process or remain imobile.

2009-09-01T12:26:00.001-06:00

I don't really have anything to say anymore, i guess i just have been getting settled in my new room. It's becoming my sanctuary...the kind of room i've always dreamed of having. Growing up i was deprived from that simplicity...the comfort of a childs bedroom. I would escape to mine, but it was so empty it only made me feel worse.

I'm cleaning everything up, starting from the physical and working my way up to my mind and soul. Things have been so blocked off in the past and i'm seeing clearer. People are beautiful, friends are absolutely wonderful, family is a blessing. It's funny how i've never realized this. I was too fogged by my hatred for humanity and the way things are that i was glued to my coordinates and didn't budge.

2009-08-26T02:01:00.002-06:00

i can do anything

And i've hurt myself, by hurting you

2009-08-11T00:51:00.011-06:00

I miss those waters
Where i was alone
My insides
No need to make known
Where the demons inside
Never had to hide
Disappeared with the flow
The way the world looked at me
I wish you can know
Rocks welcomed my rest
Rain bathed the birds nests
The wind begged me to stay
I was wanted
No more being haunted
Didn't need to hear
Everything was ever so clear

seemingly

2009-08-10T14:57:00.000-06:00

The lightning lit up the sky made it look like day
Deceived my eyes and mind
no comprehension
Howling animals speaking to each other in the night
screaming like young girls
It created images of human interactions gleaming through the window
It wasn't real
It was only the light shimmering in the cars
illuminating movements
It painted a face of sheer gratitude in the eyes of anger
We watched together both in awe
This is the storm he wanted
he wanted it to come and destroy
somebody isn't happy
vibrations of the loudest drums pounding my ears
the strength of the untouchable wind
rushing through the emptiness of our world.
fierce is the only thing that cannot touch is itself
why do i feel this guilty

I suddenly can hear this whispering in my ear.

2009-08-09T13:35:00.003-06:00

I held you
I fed you
I put you to sleep

I played with you
I stayed with you
Forever you're mine to keep

going to fernie..

2009-08-05T01:30:00.000-06:00

I'm going to fernie today

Rivers don't flow when they're frozen
And the rain doesn't get pushed if there's no wind
It just let's the gravity pull it to the floor
One by one, drop by drop.

To form masses of eventual puddles

Words are flying out like
endless rain into a paper cup
They slither while they pass
They slip away across the universe
Pools of sorrow waves of joy
are drifting thorough my open mind
Possessing and caressing me

I can't forget to get my shirt and my rock off his bike.

Syntheticsm

2009-08-02T22:58:00.004-06:00

So fake and so thought out. So insecure and so unbelievable. The beauty of what comes naturally is stolen from me. My eyes are covered so i don't really look at what i'm doing. It just happens and i'm not even aware of it. I am though...too much effort is placed into this and it's driven me wild. My mind wild...running through the deserts searching for liquid to quench this insatiable thirst. I taste the air on my lips and i see the sun in the sky but i only just walk by. Who is watching me? Peace and serenity are looking for me..but i'm running away intentionally when i know with them is where i want to be. I allowed myself to get to this place and it was the same place i tried to avoid the entire time. How did this happen? I guess i was misguided or maybe young and naive. Maybe i was afraid and maybe i still am. Maybe i just don't even need to know and maybe it's of no significance. Maybe's are such one way statements...what's the point of maybes? I guess i just like to wonder. Wonders of the world.

I don't know if i'm wrong but i want to find out

2009-07-31T14:11:00.006-06:00

I know i belong in a mental institution at times. These feelings i sometimes harbor aren't rational. I can't fit the "normal" standards of regular human beings. I dream that i could become wholesome and in the right-mind but it's so out of reach and doing it alone only makes this battle even more overwhelming. People will tell me to suck it up because it's not right to feel that way...or just to get over it...but it's harder to grasp then that. Sanity is something i question multiple times each day. Examine what runs through my mind on a day to day basis..it's obscure and incomprehensible.

My mind fits with those minds that don't.

It feels welcomed in the home of the wicked.

It feels afraid in the homes of the typical.

Lost and weak in the homes of the ambitious.

of my mind is honestly all that i can hope for. I'm fighting for it and doing all that i can in my strength to be able to attain a peace of mind. Peace in my mind..so i could go on living like those natural guys. I scare myself sometimes with what i can think, but sometimes it's never that severe so i don't think twice about it and neither do you. The things my hands are capable, murder...suffocation..healing. I thought i had it figured out and sometimes i do, temporarily. There's multiple people upstairs....i'm convinced.

You inspire me

2009-07-29T18:31:00.005-06:00

You're one the most amazing friends any one could ever have
And the one of the best i've ever had
And i've only had about three
Sometimes i want to get lost in your wonderland with you
Will you take me with you maybe only once?

Will you let me; However I choose?

2009-07-26T00:04:00.007-06:00

Trees... a plant, a cleanser, a burden
Fences... security, protection, isolation
Telephones... captured, loss, security, dependence
Houses... shelter, warmth, prison
Sidewalks... confinement, security, direction
Air... breathing, death
Vehicles... transportation, luxury
Infrastructures... man made
People...everything.... controversial...

Lately i been hard to reach

2009-07-23T01:51:00.002-06:00

Everyone has their private world where
they can be alone

Sometimes we fall really deep into the holes
our minds dig, so deep that there's no longer
a light at the surface

The walls become so thick, so dark and unclear
we can't see through them

When we put our hands to the ground it
pulls us under and we become cemented

There's no use in trying to rid these chains
we've been cursed with it's meant to be.

You're so stuck in that world that you
think you cannot escape

Shut up. And look up, there's a little
light...you just didn't look hard enough.

Don't let them say you weren't beautiful

2009-07-23T01:40:00.004-06:00

I wish you cared about me like i cared about you.
Maybe if i looked you in the eyes you'd look back in mine
Or truly listen to the cries of my heart
I guess it's okay because I try to be the better person
Try not to give a damn
im better at being this way when my eyes hide

Sometimes i want to believe your words

but i just can't

Aurora Borealis

2009-07-22T01:51:00.002-06:00

The northern lights were so beautiful! Spectacular! Incredible! Ah i don't know enough words of this english language to explain how good they made me feel. The green and blue rainbow of shimmering lights spread across the night sky.

It was chemical

2009-07-21T12:24:00.002-06:00

These smiling eyes are just a mirror for the sun.

it's time to leave this town let's go get lost

2009-07-21T12:18:00.002-06:00

I'm supposed to hang out with 3 separate people today. I don't know if i will get over my fears and my laziness and just do it. I like devoting a whole day to one person and spending it all with them rather then leaving them for another. I think i'm going to go brush my teeth and wash my face then head outside and smell the fresh air. Then see how i feel and where the day takes me. I want it to take me far.

True Story

2009-07-21T01:33:00.003-06:00

I fell in love...
i was walking down the main road at night
and this girl was dancing and ppl were watching and i had a cool mask on
a green one
and she walked past and i smiled and her and she whispered "im on acccccid" in my ear
and so i followed her
and we explored each others brains for hours and found answers to really deep questions together
and she changed me as a person
it was so amazing
then we watched sunrise together at the creek and had our first kiss
then she walked home and i went to bed
the next day she was suppose to come to my camp
but she didnt
cause well i bet she was to high to remember where it was in the dark
so that night for 4 hours i stood on the main road holding a big water bottle full of glow sticks (i was when i met her) and wearing my mask
and some lady gave me "love energy" to attract her
and she found me and she was wearing the purple version of my mask
then we played for hours
then we took a sleeping bag from my tent on we made love and slept by the creek
hehe we ran around tripping ppl out with funny sounds and dances
But it ends badly...kinda...sigh
she has no phone or no home
she is a gypsy
she is never in the same place

a free spirit

but she loves me
she said she would be back next year
and next year i will be on the path with the glow bottle all night
she doesnt live anywhere
she drew me something though
its beautiful
i think i wanna get it tattoo'd on
some beautiful design
next year im going to save lots of cash
so if she wants to run away and play gypse i can go with
just bring my guitar and live
i miss her
i cried when i seen her leave
i super rarely cry
she said she was going to the bathroom
and she didnt come back
then before i was leaving i was waiting just incase
and she came back
she was crying
she didn't wanna have to say goodbye but she couldn't just leave me

Don't end my life you're all i need

2009-07-20T03:22:00.000-06:00

Laughing and screaming,
Light the match and burn it to ash
Ashes to ashes, dust to dust
Use my hollow heart to pump life through you
Come and take it, take all of mine that you can find.
Rip apart my bed and empty out all that's in my head
Steal whats left of my money, and buy yourself plenty
Grab my clothes, tools, and objects.
Take my thoughts and call them yours
My realizations are not mine anymore
Beat me up and take my blood
If you want it
Because i don't want anything
It's yours you can have it
Have me, dispose of me
I'm okay with it
My soul will fly free, and i can just be. That's all i need.
Whatever you do, don't harm others with what you have taken from me
I ' v e b e e n h e r e b e f o r e . . .
-oct '08

2009-07-16T14:30:00.002-06:00

I want to remove everything again.

To be; or not to be!

2009-07-14T01:14:00.009-06:00

I don't have anything to say, it seems I've talked too much. Always trying to find the right words to describe what I am feeling or what is wrong with me. I do this, wallow in my misery, instead of putting things into action. I'm always depending on other people to do things for me, or tell me how to do things because i don't know how to figure it out on my own.

This is what i have to do, that's been my problem all these years. I'm so neutral, i'm always hiding, always pretending, maybe that's who I am, but there's more to me than you'd think. Some will think i'm psycho, some won't think I can do it and some will disapprove.

But will others be amazed, like I am of them?
I know I am amazing, people tell me it all the time. It just took me some time to believe it. I want to bloom, stop hiding and let myself free. Stop being trapped in my mind and let my soul free. Stop confining it. I've fought with myself, to let it out, but i just wouldn't allow it...well i'm done.

I want to stop holding on to something that i don't even think will ever happen except only in my dreams. I want to try, i want to have ambitions and head for the stars. Do things myself and make them happen. I've been so lazy.

I'm going to dance, and people will see. I'm going to run around in the rain--naked. I'm going to spin around in circles looking up at the sky laughing. Happiness and being will overcome me. I won't care whose around because I am in this for myself. Just like every single one of us.

This is so hard. Just do it. GO!

The strength of your soul

2009-07-11T22:12:00.002-06:00

I can't count the things that are burdening my heart right now. I choose to try and keep strong. All my other thoughts seem to disappear and focus on this one thing now. I guess some people can't accept when others need to leave this earth, but i know you're not done here. Hold my hand as i hold yours and i promise you if you stay strong if you have faith and courage, together, all of us, we will go far.

Alah Y sahel

2009-07-11T21:42:00.015-06:00

I haven't prayed in a long time

But-- i pray you have courage

I want to you to be there when i get back

I love you so much

Before we entered your room i told myself to be strong. But the second i saw your face my head exploded and my tears so heavy i couldn't hold back anymore. I tried so hard, so hard not to show it, to be strong.To wipe the tears before you or anyone noticed. It hurt so much seeing you today. A hurt that i don't miss having. It was so hard to see you like that Jedo. I want to pick you up and carry you home. What hurt the most was the fear i saw in your eyes and the way you cried every time you remembered something or kissed us. You said you wanted Loubi and when i told you i would make you some all you could do was cry. I saw a little boy, a young soul, i know you don't want to leave. You're so afraid to lose us. You need to stay, i don't know what it is about you but there's so much i have yet to learn from you. Fuck, i'm so scared but i'm forcing to keep strong.

I wish i could explain what i felt. It's the deepest feeling i have ever felt before. When i left...you held my hand. You held it so tight and you kissed me and cried so hard. My dad told you to keep strong but you couldn't. These tears you cry every time we leave your house the times when you don't know if you'll see us again. I looked at my dad, and more tears flowed. I don't know why but i tried to read my dads mind, and it hurt that much more. This is his dad. I didn't want to let go of your hand, you wanted us to stay. You'll be great Jedo, believe in yourself...you're stronger than any human i know. You're so cute, so innocent, you inspire me. I love you so much. I love you so much. I love you so much.

Reminds me of long ago. Teta, keep him company and bring him comfort when he's alone.

Hatred of humanity, love of people

2009-07-01T12:52:00.008-06:00

Something that i'm not even sure exists has been tearing at my soul. It's something that we have created and been around for as long as any of us have known.

Time; You cannot see it, you cannot feel it, you cannot touch it and you cannot hear it. Of course everyone has felt this, all we have is recycled and reused emotions. Whatever you feel is not unique to human beings because someone somewhere out there, even possibly beyond the stars has felt that same thing. It just seems so endless and that all we can do with our time is so meaningless. I guess have fun with it right?

Time still haunts me, i feel rushed. No, i am in a rush. I'm wanting it to end right now because if i don't do anything everyone will be mad at me. I don't know what to do i just want to sit under the sun and be with people forever. I'm lazy for now, and the pressure around me makes me want to disappear. When i'm alone, i look up at the stars and i get this feeling: My life is a movie. It's one of the greatest feelings and if i could just sit there forever and have the world move around me i'd be the best i could ever be. I'm overwhelmed by what we created, what i don't understand and what i cannot see. But you're just like me.

I've decided, in order to survive without our minds attacking themselves...we need the brainwashing our society has done to us.

You're tough to follow

2009-06-30T12:43:00.006-06:00

But i'm holding on.

Bleeding hearts

2009-06-29T19:22:00.004-06:00

What's on my mind, What's within my soul
Lately, it seems i only want answers to tough questions
WHAT THE FUCK DO I DO NOW?
I can't see my hands in front of my face
...She said she's never been this far before

Let me tell you about it one day

2009-06-23T13:57:00.002-06:00

It was an adventure of a lifetime, the start of something that might finally take me somewhere.

2009-06-23T13:50:00.001-06:00

I gave my dad the letter. The four paged one i had written in my time of pure and bitter hatred towards him. Surprisingly in my hatred towards him is when i realize i love him most. I wrote it, revised it and left it in his room when i left the house on father's day. I knew he'd read it when i wasn't there. The next day he came to my grandpas house and hugged me for so long. It touched his heart and i know he cried. Everyone did. I don't think it changed anything but i wasn't expecting it to. I just wanted to talk to him

Summer solstace

2009-06-21T14:48:00.003-06:00

The days grow brighter. The fires burn hotter
The wind blows harder. The kids jump higher
The birds fly together. The people sing their songs

You and I, my friends, we watch and smile
For that's what brings us joy
I'm getting closer to figuring out what you're talking about.

"...I don't know"

2009-06-20T17:46:00.003-06:00

I've fallen deep into this depression
It's not right because i'm so young
You said the only place left for you to go was underground
I told you i would follow you
You looked over at me in your bitterness and you were surprised
"....why?"

It's true dad, i'm just like you
And there's no telling what can bring us out

Your life manual

2009-06-17T10:20:00.005-06:00

I'll make you your life manual
So crisp and so clear
Take it everywhere you will
And hold it close to your ear

Instructions, maps and steps you can take
My life purpose, this, i will make
I'll spend every second of my days to write it
Do whatever it takes to fight it

It will be filled with answers that your little heart desires
So that i may pull you out of sorrow and throw it to the fires

I'll alphabetize the pages and make a table of contents
i'll write simply but big to be sure it makes sense
All the questions you ask will be printed in black
With pictures and colors so you never turn back

Formulas and recipes it will contain
My concoctions to help take away your pain

Your favorite book it will be
You'll carry it around everywhere just wait and see
Maps and directions and shortcuts for paths
Easiest steps so you don't need to do the math

Definitions and happiness it will bring
And when the birds refuse to sing
And even when you've taken off that ring
Look up and you'll see the real thing

The cover will be plain so you question what's inside
The page the letters and words are so easy to hide

just for you
there will be one copy
the only catch is....
you can never open it.

Modern Messiah

2009-06-17T10:13:00.003-06:00

It's a world made of steel and stone.
The reason that we're so alone.
Because it takes a split second to die.
Brings years of grief and time to cry
Feed my curiosity
Is there such thing as time and velocity
Travel the oceans, the seven seas
Nothing yet has left my mind at ease

Oh my tears they felt like rain

2009-06-16T00:07:00.006-06:00

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
God it makes life a drag.

So much thinking and analyzing taken too far to an extent where it destroys the natural feeling. It's useless, takes you no where but back to the start. Leaving you with so many un answered questions and brings your mind to a state of paranoia and mania. Sometimes it's a beautiful thing but Ruins may come from the mind and it's pondering. You brainwash yourself with what you create to think is right, and the way things should be. Then you begin to mold your each step to fit this new creation. Every step becomes planned and completely, obviously artificial. The only thing that comes from it is uncomfort and disgust and disappointment. Let the wind take you. Let the mind rest, it needs sleep as well.

Spit in my eye

2009-06-09T19:49:00.002-06:00

The pressure caused me to lose my grip, i wanted to stay there with you. I wanted you to see me like i saw you . You're so beautiful, so real, not like every human.

Let the feelings guide you sometimes, your mind isn't always right. I am a puppet of my own minds rule.

2009-06-01T20:05:00.005-06:00

She's a killer Queeeen.

Gunpowder, Gelatine
Dynamite with a laser beam
Guaranteed to blow your mind
Anytime

Insatiable an Appetite

2009-06-01T19:47:00.007-06:00

-Met a man named Enrico on the bus today, he told me i seemed like one of the happiest peoples he's seen and that i have a beautiful smile.
-I opened my heart up to my best friends and I've been feeling the best i have ever felt in so long. I'm no longer carry the tag.

Danger! Humongous amounts of compressed materials.
Beware! may be lethal, if opened, due to explosion.

-I didn't know how much i had hidden inside me, and knowing it's floating out there makes me feel like I'm flying.
-I rest assured knowing that i am surrounded with some of the most amazing people anyone could ever ask for.
-I learned something new at graduation: People are people, we're all willing to meet a new friend. Why are we all so afraid of rejection!
-I start my apprenticeship tomorrow, only thing i'm nervous about is it being awkward or I end up hating tattooing. But it's worth a try!
-I want you to know that if i care about you..i care about you with my entire being and i would easily give up anything for you.
-It's been 8 years today that my grandmother passed away. So I lay on the bed where i last saw her and held her in my heart.
-Is this my first happy blog? WTF
-For once i think this happiness won't be temporary. I hope you're happy too.

2009-05-26T21:29:00.003-06:00

I don't need anyone's help
No one knows how to help me
I just need to know you care enough to just listen
Lend me your ears your hearts and your time

The Child Mother

2009-05-26T18:11:00.006-06:00

I was a kid once, just like everyone else. However my environment forced me to age beyond my years. I became a mother, a mother to my mother. Trying to protect her from the wrath that life had put upon her. I didn't think it was fair for her to suffer the way she did. So i tried to take her place, i didn't want her to leave me. A mother to my brother my sister and my father

Time passed and i found i had ignored myself. Ignored that i mattered too in this world. The only thing i knew in life was helping those hurting around me. They hurt so bad, and on such extreme levels. That i didn't think i was important enough to be looked after. The thing was i understood their pain, i understood things as a child. I understand humans, their emotions, their actions...it's a gift.. I've felt sympathy for criminals...simply because i understand

I took this gift to my advantage and i always tried to make things better. Even if it was beyond my control, i would not do anything else. It would slap me in the face, and put me down. Things were so beyond my control. It's the possession i felt, the possession of the demons holding me back. I wasn't allowed to be selfish, others around me mattered more to me than i did to myself.

Older now, i couldn't handle my failed attempts at correction. Witnessing it, from day to day. I'm recognized but it doesn't bring me solace. I've never been able to help those i've been around my whole life.Those that really needed it. They've never changed. The paranoia, the anger, the frustration, the fear. I had to turn my face from the reminder that i couldn't ever do anything to help. But, you tell me...it's not my fault. I'm trying to convince myself it isn't. Sometimes it's better to ignore things, then to blame myself.

So i left

Higher hopes

2009-05-18T15:00:00.008-06:00

Then why do i still feel alone
I can only help myself...but i don't know how
I thought this feeling of happiness would've lasted longer than the other quick and superficial times
I'm sorry i wish i could be happy, for all you that bear witness. No one likes to see a sad face, a sorry soul.
She promised me that the grass will be greener
But their blades only slit my wrists

Blazing around

2009-05-08T12:02:00.003-06:00

You fish for compliments

You hide underground
Nobody will realize it

Because no one's around

I think i'm done for a little while. I will complain and i will annoy you searching for pity. When i deserve none. I brought myself here by going nowhere. I've been here all along i just didn't notice until you all started moving ahead...take me with you, you can't. I need to be create a life of my own. I've lived a life of others...never of my own.

2009-05-02T18:25:00.000-06:00

Good-Bye: Demon's eye

Happy 18th Birthday

2009-05-02T18:12:00.006-06:00

To: Baby girl

I'm going to try and make this sounds as less cheesy as i possibly can. It's your birthday tomorrow and i miss you. The only reason i created this blog was for you. Made it easier for me to tell you things. I always owed it to you because you told me everything and never held back. You're the only one who really truly understands how hard it is for me to let things out but at the same time you want me to tell you just as bad. And that shows you care about me...because you know i want to say it but can't. Shit if only everyone was as awesome as you. I love how you listen and you don't force me to go on. You're heart is so innocent and your love is so true. You don't make a big deal out of anything that i say and you accept me for who i am beyond anything. Every aspect of me. You've seen more of me than anyone has man. No lie. But the fact that it doesn't change your opinion of me makes me smile so widely on the inside.

You're nature is so tranquil even when your heart is racing and even when your mind is set for explosion. I feel at ease when you're around.

You've been through so much and nobody not even me understands the things that happen and the pain they bring you. You're so modest and you don't complain. You don't seek our sympathy you don't seek our attention you just seek our love. And we love you so much. Well i love you so fucking much. Ah i can't even explain how much our friendship means man. You inspire me, you really do. You think so highly of me and dude i think even higher of you. I guess that's what's so unique about our relationship. I wish i could know you in every way and i wish you could know me too. When you're sad i'm sad, when you're trapped i feel trapped and i only want to be there to help you although i can't always be. Enjoy you're birthday and the life ahead..do what makes you happy not anyone else. Because with your joy others will find joy. It's not selfish...put yourself up there because you're worth absolutely everyone's time. I want to write more because i could write for ages...but i have to go. Have a happy fucking birthday man and i hope we share many more in the future.

Sincerely....(insert your nickname for me here)

Elastic Repression

2009-04-29T19:15:00.005-06:00

I miss the creativity i once had. It's left me because i've lacked the time and the vivid mind i felt i once had. It's interesting how our minds change. Wait. They don't change. It's interesting how we come to new realizations. I have forever longed for self realization...but it seemed so out of reach. One by one i'm discovering what's been hoarding within me. I seemed to have lost all my chances at anything worth it in life. When really all along they were there, they were acknowledged...only my ignorance pushed them away. I've been stolen by those demons whom i thought were kind. They used to come every now and again and i'd dance with them hand in hand. Acceptance was my ultimate power, and it will remain to be. However acceptance of oneself is missing which defeats the whole. It was an image of power upon everyone else but myself which brought me to many trials of the mind. Always bringing me back to the same unanswered question...Why am i this way. No one truly needs to know why...do we?

If I'm filled to the brim with knowledge. It feels that my cup is starting to shatter spilling my contents over the sharp edges and i feel every scratch the the broken glass. You're not used to seeing this...i need someone new where judgment will not bite my pitiful ass. Those demons now...they watch my every move. Do i dare take a step. Never. I've stood still and progressed internally so they don't know what i'm doing. Only now they've come inside. Deep inside me and they won't leave. Embrace them, i did, at one time i don't remember. My memory is at loss and zeros in on them adhering my entire being to it's control. I've no control to anything anymore. Now- I'm at war with them . I was doing so well at letting them run their courses in life, allowing them to be. Eventually their pitiful bodies would dissipate and i would go on with my life. I'm trying to say this right...lord knows my eloquence can't save me anymore. My eloquence was only my efforts at trying to paint a beautiful picture over the truth. Truth is denser and it seeps through all. But now they attack, one by one. Small hit after small hit. Till one explosion. Then recovery. Then again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again ... I question the turnaround and wonder if there is a set order to how things come about in all our lives. Different for each of course. Wonder at why life happens at the moment in time it does.

Change is unattainable. People don't change. People don't change. Honestly, people DO NOT change.
I was looking for change. Change doesn't exist. Its only a word we use to help us convince ourselves that we can be different because we fear the true acceptance of our souls. Growth however does, moving forward in this life is how we survive. So if our minds are truly incapable of changing but we can grow what happens to all those memories, thoughts and experiences we've hidden on the shelves of our hearts? I question brainwashing, i question others motivations, i question this and i question that. I'm rambling again. I used to say i am who i am, and I am, but their coming for me again and i can't bind them underground. If i destroy them...will it be the end of me as well?

free fallin'. I been fallin' but i ain't free
Open my wounds

420 is tomorow

2009-04-19T16:31:00.000-06:00

forgotten fingerprints upon my soul...

& solid imprints upon my heart.

this is invisible, and i doubt it will ever be made known to you.
I wish i was capable in embracing that part of this vantage, predicament.
but you're deserving of another, maybe.

2009-04-08T19:02:00.003-06:00

For as long as species and creatures have inhabited the earth
We've been searching to share our souls with another
It's the need that soars beyond our comprehension

I'm waiting to look within your eyes
and feel your presence existing in me
Whoever you may be.

2009-03-31T21:33:00.003-06:00

I miss writing and writing my thoughts away
When gone, you have so much time to think that it starts to hurt
I've learned so much, i really would like to share
Why do i pull back
It's a curse

Reciprocal

2009-03-23T14:24:00.011-06:00

We wonder why the younger generations have gone to shit. We have emptied our bowels in the front of them. They've been watching us, We're their example and we're obviously no better, untimely.
DO YOU THINK WE LACK THE TIME?
Let us show them change, Let us show them correction. Grab the hopeless and bring them happiness. Sadness to Hopefulness. Let us show them what this life is really all about.
Help me unravel harmony and wipe the dust off the truth

I feel like this is a mess...but there's more to it.

2009-03-21T15:34:00.006-06:00

Tattoo Artist? Psychologist? Revolutionary?

The month or March has been a month of epiphany after epiphany.. A month of realization of reality after another. It's all happening at the perfect time as well. I'm graduating high school really soon along with millions of others. We're all setting off on our "Journeys", our searches at the meaning of life. Lot's of people are so excited to go out there and live, while others just want money. All our ideologies that we grew up creating are going to mingle and interfere, fight and persevere.

What do i want to do with my life? Nothing. I've found the meaning of life, i know why i am here. I want to help people, i am not here for myself. People live to make themselves happy. But when we think that money is going to make us happy. Were kidding ourselves...we'll make a whole bunch of money then the market will crash on our asses and then we'll be fucked in the beginning and wonder why we did such and such with our lives. Those who don't do what they love in love simply because they love it, they will wake up one day and it will hurt harder then ever. And that's what is happening again.

I want to see people living doing what they love and bringing joy to everyone that surrounds them. Fuck trying to survive in our economy and making money. If we all did what we love without the love of money or power of whatever it is, we will go far and peace will be found. Think about it. What's better: And engineer whose doing it for the money, or simply because they love to create beautiful infrastructure and want to provide it for the world. Which one will be the richest in life?

Look around you, and look at who is truly rich. Who is truly living their lives and who had truly found the purpose of life. I look at kids around me and i ask them what they want to be. Look at the younger generations...everything is deteriorating. Who really is going to go out there and provide happiness to the world with their happiness? Why do people do things they don't enjoy what kind of life are they leading. Why does war start? Who created our weapons?

Look at me, i don't have any weapons. Words are the strongest weapons we can hold, and that's all i have.

My point is, becoming a tattoo artist is simply what i want to do for myself...to bring joy in my life because i love to do art. To become a psychologist, i'd be helping others...but that's not it. I don't want to help the people who seek it. I want to help those who don't know they have problems. Not necessarily problems but who aren't happy and don't know why. I want to be here for my dad. He has been the biggest influence in my eyes, the only thing i have ever worked hard to please. The only person that has made me who i am today and without i would be living in a trench filled with dirt.

He is my reason for life, you guys don't see the father i see everyday. He is a Martin Luthor King, he is a John Lennon, he is an Elvis Presley. I want to be his voice. I want to make his change. That's what i want to do in my life. He wants peace...that's all he really wants. And it's time no? Do you not see where we are standing. Can anyone tell me how the fuck i do that? Peace is so unatainable and my voice is so small, he feels it's too late for him. All our social standings, all our conflicting ideologies inhibit this change. But JESUS SOMETHING NEEDS TO HAPPEN and i want to find it.

Necessities of life: Food, Water, Shelter
Necessities of soul: Love
The only question we're asking is "How can i have more than my neighbor" and this is where money is created and inequality begins and minds become troubled.

We are all burdens. Until we change

2009-03-08T20:05:00.000-06:00

I love you all so much

R U Generic?

2009-03-03T21:51:00.002-07:00

We're all the same; Human. You don't have to like it.
And you don't need to justify your choices to anyone
My life is a personal thing and i'll chose who i share it with

I spoke to soon

2009-02-28T19:22:00.005-07:00

I've created myself,
And i'm my own worst enemy.

I thought you were older, You became colder
I thought you might've realized. But I only found fire in your eyes
I thought you were changed. Had your thoughts been rearranged?
I tried to mold you, I tried and i told you.
I'm not the one to say: "It will be okay."

2009-02-28T12:36:00.002-07:00

Star gazing is a beautiful, mind-easing passtime.
Tilting your head upwards you find stillness and tranquility.
You forget your name, you forget your age.
You are here to be seeing this and nothing else.
Makes you feel like you have reason to breathe, reason to smile.
Studying the beauty of the unknown and far.
Even if only for a little while.

2009-02-26T18:21:00.003-07:00

I have so many things i should be doing right now rather than placing it all at the back of my mind hoping it will sort itself out. I would lay it out for the eyes to see, but they'd laugh. My mind is so filled to its brim with nothing and i cannot focus on what's really important. This is what they call: letting your emotions take over. You slowly but surely sink deeper and deeper into it. Over analyzing every single occurrence to the point that it becomes a huge, and possibly false, image that you have created in your view. I wish i didn't do this. It's trying to forget something unforgettable, and remembering something you never even knew.

I had reason to believe i was beautiful,

but thine eyes failed to meet mine.